Wrong Number, Madam!

Ok. Here comes the ceremonious year end post. On second thoughts, I am not good at lists of any kind. So why do things that I am not good at.

Besides, the year is three days away from close/end. (I don’t know the right word and I am too indifferent to check) and there are still possibilities that it could turn out eventful. Now, by eventful I would mean a year where I was not living like a nun in the second half. Speaking of nuns makes me remind the famous line in the movie ‘Milk’ which I caught last night. A little digression here, I recommend watching ‘Milk’ by every fag or non fag. For those of us, who still live in a false dreams of utopia in US / Western Countries this movie is a stark reminder. So what if the events depicted in movie took place some thirty years ago. Until we have people like Sarah Palin and her closeted republican cronies along with the sitting pope,  on grounds things are not very different for us;  and we certainly don’t need to be reminded constantly what’s ‘god’s way’. Anyway, the point is Sean Penn is excellent playing ‘Harvey Milk’ in this biopic and is strong contender for academy awards this year. He plays the role with unassuming ease and affability and I was disheartened to see, despite my thinking that we are all unique and blah, there were some very apparent resemblance to the body language and expressions of gay people in the movie that I saw in some of the people I met here in India.

Enough of the rant, I have almost forgotten what I wanted to post here.

Actually, I have not. Because it is something that gives me a ‘feel good’ feeling (speaking in my silly punjabi ‘Surinder Sahni’ish goofy smugness). So, without much ado, at the risk of sounding a braggart, let me share with you that I feel there have been three ‘girls’ who have given me some signal that they are interested in me. And all this at my workplace. Like most of gay guys, I am at ease interacting with female species ( it takes tons of efforts on my part not to give them some fashion advice) talking nineteen to dozen. I often play dumb in situations when discussion around relationships and such stuff takes place around me, even though I pretty much know what is the subtext and undercurrent of conversations, shifting glances, twitching of lips. Playing dumb is my favorite technique, it puts people offguard and at ease, without having to calculate their actions and I love it when I see it all unfolding in front of me.

Out of three ‘girls’ ( why does it have to be girls? ), there is one who is  particularly interesting. She is smart, intelligent, witty and funny. She and I both know that we both know we feel ‘drawn’ ( me asexually, of course J ) towards each other. For me, I always love intelligent company and any wittiness is always an added bonus. She is both.

Looks wise, I hardly care. However, to be fair on whoever reads this, she is not that ugly (read: petite), has style (can do with bit more make up) and looks clean ( That reminds me she doesn’t wear perfume, She Should. Not that she smells, just that it adds to the personality of a person). I would have dated her/ asked her out if only… 

However, I haven’t added that I do borderline flirting. I have always done that with my female friends and they always played along. Why I do it is a mystery to me since I have not been able to ‘flirt’ with a single ‘male’ friend of mine. 

Now, let me ask you this. What do you guys do when you get such ‘vibes’? Do you play or back out? 

Alpha version of myself

I watch TV soaps for inspiration. That perhaps sounds pathetic. Perhaps, when you get totally bore, or totally insane, you start looking for meaning in everything inane ( was there some alliteration?)

I find legal dramas very engaging. And once you have some bit of comedy thrown in, and turned it into  a 'Dramady', it becomes my favorite genre. It does not have the usual chest beating sermonizing, instead there are moments when you discover there are small moments, moments that you and I live every second, turned into something dramatic yet subtle which lie buried under mundaneness of life.

In one of these fits of self discovery, I finally saw something that reinforced my belief that "We are different versions of ourselves at different times". Does that sound arcane? Let  me elaborate.

I am a kind person. I like helping people, something that I do without any expectation. But there are moments when I don't feel like helping ( very few, trust me). How do I stop feeling miserable and 'bitch' when I don't help someone, and I know if I help I will not get over the fact that I can't be myself.

Now, this new theory puts everything in perspective. I can be cranky at times without having to feel I am a bad person. and in case, you are wondering where I saw that line, It was 'Boston Legal". And if you wondering about why the post is titled so, any software released for the first time which would have 'bugs' and 'errors' is called alpha version. The problem free ( that's what they claim) comes later and is called 'Beta' Version

Why not 'sab chalta' hai

The recent horror that Mumbai and entire country saw unfolding on relentlessly insensitive media has left everyone shocked, dismayed, angry and what not. I knew media was going to abuse the ‘Mumbai Spirit’ term again without realizing there were people who had to move on with their lives. As I watched victims, who were holed up in Taj and Oberoi, I saw two different patterns emerging. People who were either too numb or ‘chalta hai’ types. One guy, hardly nineteen-twenty, who was there at one of the hotels at a wedding party as a videographer was back in business next day, all cheerful and smiling, since he had already had bookings in advance. Another guy, slightly older but still very young around twenty five, apparently from upper middle class was very emotional and furious in the TV interview. He complained that he was not able to sleep properly and he could not shake his mind of these attacks even for a minute. What set my mind thinking was whether people who fight everyday for their survival are better equipped to deal with this crisis, or they simply let their wounds fester in the cloak of life’s compulsion which everyone calls ‘spirit’. Whether these festering wounds become breeding ground for communal violence and hatred that we often get to see running amok on our streets or it’s just that people who generally think they are safe and secured, when come across such mishap get scarred more easily. 

Does SAD make me sad?

I always wanted to write like the stuff I read which is mainly 'Literary Fiction'. In the last one month, I must have bought more than ten books and started reading them only to leave them after a few pages. Nothing caught my fancy, nothing held my imagination, nothing was reminiscent of anything I could relate to. It was not if the books I picked were not interesting. in fact, when I read some of them later, I was appalled by my own poor taste for leaving such gems as 'On Beauty' and 'Darkmans' which I discovered later. I sometimes wonder whether I too, like women, experience some kind of PMS. Being an internet junkie that I am, coupled with a little bit of arm chair psychology thrown in, I did some research and found out some symptoms. 

Now, Chrisan being the resident therapist here would definitely have something to say about my observations.Based on the frequency and the timing of my behavior, I found out that this has been classified as SAD. ( how appropriate that is! ) Seasonal Affective Disorder. 

For last two years, I have been living in an apartment on seventh floor of a building which gets very little sunlight and air. Add to that my schedule of working from home which required me to wake up at 9:30 and start work from 10. Work usually stretched till 6:30 -7 PM in the evening by  the time it'd get completely dark.Occasionally I would step out to buy some stuff ( primarily to eat) and this whole routine was same for five days of the week except for weekends which I spent trying different things hoping to break monotony. A bickering family, and friendless existence did not help much in either case.

This year, I changed my job. Got myself a regular desk job which required me to sit and work with actual human beings. I got overtly excited by the possibility of working with some bright, intelligent young men and women and making a few friends. It's close to six months now. I have made a few acquaintances ( yes, and I am not being sarcastic) and no real friends. May be I have become too morose, too walled to let people come closer to me. Or perhaps, because I am seen as little senior and boss' protege that forbids people. Anyway, I don't analyse that much as long as I am spending some time in sunlight away from my 'dark' house. However, all said and done, there has not been much change in my depression pattern. 

I have lost interest in doing everything and anything. May be I should migrate to sunny California and leave this SAD life. :)

In which we crib endlessly

Yesterday, Igot talking to a friend - technically not a friend but one of those people I am out to because of my existence on a gay social networking site- about our respective Sex love lives. Let’s call him Virtuous V. He has recently found someone for dating, which was quite evident from his radiant face and his efforts to lose weight, on the same website. I was more jealous than happy to hear that and I started to ask him about his affair and the ‘juicy’ details. In answer to which I got to know about his paramour’s 6’2” height and patiyala pedigree. He himself being a proud punju was beaming when he coyly discussed the stats, nevertheless I kept on nodding my head in strange detachment to this whole gay existential i-don’t-need-a-boyfriend epiphany that I had suddenly discovered.

I cribbed and whined about not getting responses, or rather ‘right’ response despite having a pretty ‘suggestive’ pic at the site. VV got amazed when I told him that I was getting lesser responses since that pic had been there for close to six months.

He gets amazed that I don’t have any ‘friends’ in the community as he has made five-six very good friends in spite of being super busy with two jobs. How did that happen, I ask him.  Ok, before that let’s go back how I got to know this guy.

VV messaged me on the same site around a year back telling me he was soon going to shift from Bombay to Delhi and was looking for possible boyfriend. Being the cynical guy I am, I gave him my standard reply that he was too goodlooking to be interested in me. He persisted and and I gave in by sending me my pics and phone number. Thankfully, he didn’t run away after seeing my pics . He would call me two to three times a day, interspersed with some inane SMS forwards which I found no time in deleting afterwards. He started talking about his area of work where I feigned some interest and asked him questioned after some bit of googling. Now, VV was highly educated, doing pretty OK in his career and most importantly sensitive enough to look over my average looks. ( He was sort of hottie, now I don’t find him that hot though)

So, what was the hitch.?

Most of the time, when I start interacting with anybody the question invariably turns to books. What books am I reading or have read etc etc? VV made a tactical mistake by telling me ‘Seven habits of highly successful people’ was the book he was reading then, and how life changing it had been for him. This particular book has its own importance in my life for being my first and last self help book I ever picked up ( didn’t have patience to finish that whole drivel). It was time for me to rethink. Here was a guy who waswilling to commit before we had even met once in person. Samantha Jones wouldn’t have approved of it and I concluded that he was too naïve, simple person.

 

Khair, to cut a long story short, much as I hate to judge people, I found him I was certainly not the person he was looking for. Later on, he came back to Delhi and I once pinged him once on the site to see how he was doing, and we kept in touch.

Yesterday, upon hearing my friendless, boyfriend less existence he asked me a few questions

Question 1 Do you follow up with the contacts you make ( read: hookups).

Answer1.Well, No!! I don’t follow up unless I am sure the person has brain and brawn. But I never call twice, and if the other person is not so enthusiastic, I don’t pester. 

Question 2: Do you make an effort to keep in touch with the people you like?

Answer 2: Sometimes yes. But, I have high self esteem. May be egoist. My best friend from school has not picked up my last three calls. People change, I know he has at least. I am not going to call him now. 

I am a taurean and very proud of being loyal in friendship or a relationship. I don’t do anything in half measure. I always think of others before me. My real friends who live everywhere except Delhi love me to the core. They make me feel what I think of myself without any inconsonance. 

Now, before I finish this rant I must add that though I am pretty cool guy, there are few things that perturb me. Chief among that is superciliousness. I like smart people and I know how to spot them. Secondly, I hate the favorite game played in Delhi Gay circle. Name dropping, precisely. I am not interested if you were invited to Rohit Bal’s Birthday party or how many times you had slept at Burman’s or Punj’s. I mean get a life guys.

Khair, enough of rant. I like abrupt endings.

My first tag

One of my most favorite bloggers Chrisann not only linked me to her blog, but also called me an 'old friend'. Beat that. That felt kinda nice. Wait, there is more. She also tagged me for a post. I have always wanted to be tagged. Inspite of being here, I was never tagged. Until now, that is.

So here it goes.

1. Last movie you saw in a theater?

The last movie I saw in theater was 'Rock On'. I went there because some colleagues insisted me to go. My inability to say no to such request came handy, and I didn't regret it at all.

2. What book are you reading?

Currently I am reading "Lunatic in my head' by Anjum Hasan. I wanted to read this since I read it's review here. I normally stay away from Indian fiction but this time I liked the concept of the novel with three very different protagonist, and its setting in a small town.

3. Favorite board game?

None, I am afraid.

4. Favorite magazine?

That's a tough one. My magazine seller never recommends any because he knows my eclectic taste. So I read Autocar India, Men's World, Outlook Business, Business World, India Today, Outlook, Economist, Home and Interiors, BBC Home, Femina, Marie Clare and The BIBLE- 'Cosomopolitan' ;)

Btw, my magazinewallh gives them all free to read because I am his regular patron for pirated books.

5. Favorite smells?

leathery, tobbaco notes.

6. Favorite sounds?

Wind Chimes

7. Worst feeling in the world?

That no one cares about you whether you live or die.

8. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up?

Do I really have to go to gym? Why can't I go tomorrow? Let's go in the evening.

9. Favorite fast food place?

Roadside Momos with lot's of chilly garlic chutney. My mouth is watering as I type this. I like it because it's healthy ( by not being oily), spicy and most importantly cheap.

10. Future child’s name?

hahaha, may be I will adopt one. Zarita: Meaning princess in spanish

11. Finish this statement. “If I had lot of money I’d….?

go on holiday..I have never gone on a holiday in the real sense.

12. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?

No. Never slept with stuffed toys. Though, I do need big cushions to support me

13. Storms - cool or scary?

Cool

14. Favorite drink?

Mojito..Though, I hardly drink I like mojito because of it's sweet and mint flavor

15. Finish this statement, “If I had the time I would….”?

I have all the time in world...I get terribly bored on weekends even to start thinking of five good reasons why I should not commit suicide.

16. Do you eat the stems on broccoli?

No.

17. If you could dye your hair any color, what would be your choice?

it would be Red. I have a thing for red heads. Kate Walsh, Julianne Moore, Cynthia Nixon

18. Name all the different cities/towns you’ve lived in?

that would be giving too much detail. More so because, they are so tiny town that it will hard to locate on a map.

19. Favorite sports to watch?

Gay and Sports?? You must be kidding. But, hey, I don't mind watching some hot wrestlers fighting it off, or those hot swimmers ;)

20. One nice thing about the person who sent this to you?

She is very sensitive and emphatic. At times, knowing exactly what you feel without you having ot clearly articulate it.

21. What’s under your bed?
Some old mattresses. Wish it was Ranbir Kapoor.

22. Would you like to be born as yourself again?

I am not too sure

23. Morning person, or night owl?

Night Owl

24. Over easy, or sunny side up?

Over.

25. Favorite place to relax?
My bed

26. Favorite pie?
Blueberry

27. Favorite ice cream flavor?
Lytchee

Parent's Trap

Currently, I am halfway thru reading the book ‘Go Kiss the World’ by Subroto bagchi. In this book, Subroto bagchi chronicles his life from a small town in tribal Orrisa to setting up Wipro’s American business to becoming an entrepreneur while he was still in his forties.The book is divided in three section. The first section deals with his early childhood and education. I am  still on second section where he has delineated his professional life from a Management trainee to selling software. 

I picked the book because, like Subroto bagchi, I too come from a very small town. However, I still have long to go in my career before I can recount my tale saying how such and such things influenced me. Oddly enough, the reason for this post is different.  Mr. Bagchi recalls how his parents, brothers have influenced him and shaped up his values.

If I ask myself how much if my parent I see in me, I would say a little. But if you ask me a different question, how much of my parents I want to see of in me; the answer would be none. Not because I hate them, or dislike them but because they have never been close to any role model I could have envisaged while I grew up, or even now for that matter.

I have been told that every one has an image or an idea of a person who they like to be like, emulate or just follow in his/her footsteps. Every MBA aspirant is asked to prepare this question before an interview. I had done it too, but we will come to that later. By the way, the favorite and most clichéd ( at least I find it clichéd ) role model for Indian students is Dhiru Bhai Ambani. What psychologists tell us is that our choice of role model tells a lot about our personality, especially the values which are closest to our heart. For instance, if someone has Kiran Bedi as their role model, this would signify they value honesty, bravery above all. Dhiru Bhai Ambani would stand for ‘wealth creation, Narayan Murthi would stand for ‘ethicaly making money’ and so forth.

I didn’t know this whole theory of values being hidden or rather manifested in the choice of role model one chooses. Therefore, I had done my selection based on whatever little I knew of the world by then. I had decided that my choice had to be not just politically correct, but also a little different. Zara hatke, you know.

Fortunately, I didn’t have to think that hard and I chose a role model who was not very well known but she was different and really represented what I wanted to embody. My role model was Aruna Roy. When I got to know about the values theory, it struck a big chord with me because I immediately knew what value I admire most.

Sacrifice: that was what I admired most. ( I am using past tenses because this was all happening five years back. I may or may not hold the same opinion now)

Now, after a rather long detour, the way I keep making, this book again made me think. Will there be anything about my parents that I would have to tell when I start chronicling my life. Things on how my parents were so great, how they instilled many great values, or what my mother told me as a ten year old kid had stayed with me all the life. The truth might be a little different. I was sure about it five years back, and after becoming saner and more mature in these last five years, I can confidently say that there has been no life lesson that I had imbibed from my parents. Except, yes there is a small matter, because I always like to give credit where it’s due, let me add I am thankful that my parents never harbored any communal feelings towards other religions which has made me quite pro muslim and tolerant. But this is more like the medical ethic: “Do no harm". So, I don’t give them much credit.

In India, especially, there is a tendency to hero worship our parents. I don’t know whether this stems from lack of objectivity or simple fact. But more often, I find the former case a bit stronger. We all as human beings don’t always remain rational, and see things thru a tinted glass when it comes to our personal lives. This might be true in the reverse case as well, where some one like me becomes excessively belligerent instead of becoming fond of his/ her parents. The point is it's difficult to have a balanced objective view point of two people we are closest to.

I always disliked when other kids talked about their parent in reverence. I used to believe everything they said about their parents at face value and compared that to my parents. My parents had too many weaknesses. Weaknesses that they never made any effort to conceal or even temporarily hide. It was all too open. Every one knew about it. They even started rejoicing in it. It was not as if they were distant or I didn’t love them. It’s just that I could never revere them. Because all their faults, weaknesses, pain and foibles were too obvious to me. I couldn’t start pretending that everything was normal in my household. But it was very normal to live in an abnormal house because you never knew the other way, the way I wrote about it here.

It was tough to be different. But western world is full of such stories where we don’t have to deduce a person’s success/ intelligence from his pedigree. Steve Jobs is a great example of that. I just hope that someday I also get in a position to advise people to get off their baggage.

Save Me

There are bad days, and then there are some not so bad days. 

But bad days persisit. 

Or rather I hold them close so they don't slip and fade away.

Memories are very deceitful, 

we forget what we have not forgotten.

And it all comes back, gushing, swamping with a force to

trample you, when all you want is it to seize you.

You want it to go bad. You try.

Try very hard to make things worse if it's not bad.

This self abuse, masochism has been entrenched hard.

keep rubbing the wound so it doesn't heal,

keep breaking off the ties so it doesn't hurt.

I keep my eyes closed so that no one can see my pain.

It's futile.

haha, isn't that stupid?

Stupid and Futile!

I do stupid things to cleanse myself of senstivity.

To ignore what other's ignore so peacefully.

To conform what people expect me to conform to.

Will I ever stand up for what I am?

But I don't know what I want to stand up for,

or who I am?

p.s The title of the post is taken from 'Save Me' by Jem from Grey's Anatomy's soundtrack. It's not a SOS

Schadenfreude and other tales

So, we were attacked by a virus, hounded by a trojan, sickened by a dull life and enlivened by...well, I can't think of any smart answer. I have been dying to post as soon as my google started working, but lost track of all things I wanted to post. No surprises if this post is going to be a little more than digressing, and personal rant about everything. And yes, I will throw in a quick reviews too in Taran Adarsh Style.

Schadenfreude: That's my current favorite german world. Btw, my all time favorite german word is Tchuss ( pronounced as Chus) for entirely different reasons, however I like this word in particular because it makes me feel good about sufferings of others, without making me feel like I am a bad person. Sounds untrue, yes I am quite there. Here is the theory. Everytime I look in the mirror, especially the big wall to wall mirrors installed in my gym I start cringing and curisng my cocktail of genes. I mean I definately once saw a glimpse of flat stomach when I sucked in the entire air of the building and everyone else was gasping for breath ( only figuratively ) to see my Abs. Anyone who has gone to a gym hoping to look like Eduardo Verastegui ( That name took a lot of thought rambi, bye bye Cena) in a week will be sorely disappointed with their results which never matches with speed with which people reject their calls when you want to depserately find a 'catch up' on weekend. Well, I felt so good that it's just not me. My prettier, sexier, richer and more importantly dumber 'acqunitences' face the same problem once in a while.

Wanted: Caught the movie after I read good reviews before it was taken off from the multiplexes, being in close proximity of "non-gentry" area of Delhi i.e. close to my home. And yea, ticket costs half of what you pay in those 'select' few ' roadshows' which is hallmark of delhi's swish crowd.


That aside, I like James McAvoy. I liked him immensely over anorexic, whiny, moronic, ever pouting Keira Knightly in Atonement. Now, enough has been said about Ms Jolie and her philanthropic acts but after watching wanted I am sure, it's never going to be enough.
I guess she is is the only person who does not have collagen infused lips, other than me ;)
A little digression, but has any body looked at the fad of thick lips. Has anyone seen what ghastly act Priya Chatwal has done to herself, her pout has become big like a pig's snout and the other day I caught Sameera reddy with facial palsy on one of silly dance reality program and for a few moment I could not understand why nothing is moving on her face except her eyeballs. Phew, botox overdose!! And less said about Koena Mitra's nose job, the better.

Khair, point is Jolie is super sexy and it means a lot if a 'guy' like me says so. And the movie, though silly, is good for it's wonderfully executed action sequences. Watch it for that alone, and for James McAvoy.And yes, I read Jolie's interview where she feels insecure about her looks. Oh, I totally know that feeling!

In which we get attcked and Come Out

Last week was very hectic of sorts. I had a charade of thing going on at the workplace where people were gathered and supposed to ideate at the new innovation station, in other words it was a week long training program where the only reason people showed some intermittent interest in the proceedings was when they wanted to win some brownie points in front of their Bosses. In our B-school days, we used to call it DCP, for the uninitiated it's short for Desperate Class Participation. I have never been known for my loquaciousness either at the B-school I went or the place I am working now, but I do make concessions especially if I am trying to seduce somebody with decent appreciation for english language with my Ally Mcbealesque blabbering- which incidentlly I used to find very cute but which also has backfired everytime without exception.

And my laptop has got infected with virus. I had heard so much about why not to download stuff from torrent sites and all, but never paid any heed. What is life without some bit of adventure thrown in?? ( yes, those of you who find my definition of adeventure a little lame, and are smirking right now. Let me just say you are right. I play safe). Now, this particular virus or trozan or some sortof thing was supposed to be kinda removed by running some remedial pogram. But I think any kind of historic ethnic cleansing be it nazi holocaust or serbian state sponsered massacre have been unsucessful-thank god for that; and closer home when I tried to kill these viruses happily marauding the efficiently running processes on my Core 2 duo processor I was pushing my fight against fate and historically correct statistics. You can crush them, thwart them, but you cannot wipe them off the face of your machine :(.

So, I gave up after a while when things stated to look like they were in order and I submitted to the idea that I could do without the blazing speed of my pentium processor. ( which has never been so fast but haven't I worked on P II? Yes, I have ). To cut a long story short, I can't open any google sites from my machine due to this virus. Be it my gmail, orkut, reader or BLOGSPOT. Of all the notorious sites in this world, this virus had to attack or block or some such thing, the Google. Seriously?? I mean my job depends on it. I can't breathe if I am not able to google any unknown/ unfamiliar hottie that you guys keep mentioning on your blogs. Besides, any B-school gradute will tell you that how google has saved her from a life time of misery where earlier one had to run through tons of books in the library where you were not even allowed to play footsie, to make a presentation, and now you have google where everything is just a click away.

Ok, enuff of google worship. But, some of you would surely wonder if google is not working how I am ranting in the usual fashion. Well, I just had to excavte an antique laptop that once belonged to my great grandfather and weighs a thousand kilos, gets extremely hot and subsequently shuts down if I am not in an AC room and use it. It's dead slow but I need my moment of catharisis.

Hmm, I feel so much better.

P.S.Did I just mention I came out to someone. That too thru this blog.

Filmsy facades

We often show more of something when we are hiding it.

This line set me thinking, made me realize what a facade my life has been. And the real problem here is that I don't know who is the real me.

• I smile profusely when I am nervous. I tend to think I look better this way.
• I give a guffaw in the middle of a serious conversation when I see somebody has fielded my volley better than I anticipated.
• I try to be very nice to people who have been nasty with me, hoping in vain that they will see their folly.
• I can use the choicest of abuses in front of my family but I can hardly cuss elsewhere. I can never understand why?
  
• I don't laugh a lot so that no one may think I am flamboyant or flimsy.
• I refrain from befriending good looking people to reassure myself I am not that bad looking.
• I act with all normalcy- no excessive eye, lip, eye brow, wrist movement- so that no one may think I am queer. I give a different meaning to 'Stiff'.
  

I know, most of these may sound like I am a definite mental case. But as they say, acknowledging the malady is the first step in treating it; and here I don't want to be treated.

Never judge a book by it's film

Last night, I watched two movies back to back based on books. First one was 'Kite Runner', a book which was stupendous commercial success with readers across world lapping it up, despite the fact that literary critics did not think very highly of the book. Notwithstanding the critics opinion, I was immensely moved by the book when I read it exactly two years back. This was perhaps the first work of fiction that was based on Afghanistan that chronicled the country from her 70's western influenced free spirit to post taliban era. Another notable thing that this book holds special place for me is because it's the only book I finished in one go. Unputdownable. That was one word I could describe it with, then. Planning to read this again, savoring each word this time to get more nuances from the book.


However, that day has not come till date, and I decided to watch the movie based on the book. The movie was shot in Kashgar,China because of prevailing tensions in the Afghanistan. The first thing you notice in the movie is the brilliant camera work and scenic beauty. The terrain shown in the movie looks similar to Laddakh but more breathtaking, captivating and bright. Now, I have one more place to visit on my 'place to visit' list.


The movie for most part stuck to the book, and I couldn't find scenes where they altered the sequences. However, in order to stick to running time, some of the portions were perhaps not filmed/edited out. The film was in persian dari with englsih subtitles thrown in. But the excellent acting by main cast did not need much deciphering on my part, aside from the fact that I had read the book.

The second movie I saw last night was 'Brick Lane' written by Monica Ali, a debut novel which was also shortlisted by Booker in year 2003. I wanted to pick this book for a long time but couldn't read it for some reason or the other. So I was excited to hear that the book is being made into a movie and would do the festival rounds soon. The book, along with the film had to face considerable opposition from Bangladeshi community since they felt it projected them in wrong light. But now, after having seem the movie, I strongly feel there is not much controversial in the film. Every community has some quirk, peculiarities and people like to read/ write about it; rather than the mundane and ordinary stuff. Just because 'God of Small Thing' is based in kerala and talks of illicit realtionship does not mean that all malyalees are sex maniacs/incestuous. By the same analogy, the movie did show some unpleasant aspect of Bangladeshi community, but it will only be juvenile to apply that stereotype to seventh most populous country in the world.



I didn't like the movie much, I think the device employed in the novel by the author was series of letters exchanged between sisters, one living in Brick Lane, London and the other in Bangladesh. This particular feature, though splendid in print, did not come out strongly due to limitation of cinema as a medium. The cast was first rate, and most Indians will be surprised to see Satish Kaushik playing the main characters in the movie. Satish Kaushik is a trained actor, and has been active on the theater circuit as well. My first recollection of his brilliant acting was when he along with 'Pankaj Kapur' came as 'Titu and Toni' on Superhit Muqabla on Zee TV. Satish Kaushik has donned the mantle of movie director succesfully, and his most notable films include ' Hum Aap Ke Dil Mein Rahte Hain', Roop ki rani Choron Ka Raja, 'Mujhe kucch Kahna Hai', etc.

Now, before I answer the original conundrum, I must list a few movies I had seen that were based on books.

• The Namesake ( read the book first)
• Chocolate ( read the book later)
• The Da Vinci Code ( book first)
• Pinjar ( book first)

Initially, I was of the opinion that it is essential to have read the
book to enjoy the film. But now I think it is not required unless we are talking about a book like Da Vinci Code which had to be compressed in 120 minutes

'The Namesake' was more colorful, lively and relatable than Jhumpa Lahiri's book. The movie had different focus on character of 'Ashima' than ' Gogol', opposed to the situation in the book. However, considering all the time constraints, the essence of book was preserved giving it a sharp flavor and pace by Mira Nair in the movie.



'Chocolat' as people who care to look at my blogger profile page might notice, is amongst my favorite films. I fell in love with everything in the book. From red haired Juliette Binoche, who I declared to be the most beautiful women I had ever seen; to sexy Johny Depp in an underplayed performance, not to mention the place the whole movie was set. I would have to google it, but my hunch says it has to be either Italy or France. And did someone mention chocolate?? umm, I don't think there can be any one in the audiance who does not fall in love with dark, creamy, gooey, sweet, bitter chocolate shown in various montage shots in the movie. ( I need to get a slice of dark chocolate cake, NOW)

I was disappointed when I read the the book which was quite different from what was shown in the movie. Characters were not as goodlooking, colorful, mysterious as they appeared in movie. The setting was not majestic, the chemistry between lead pair was tepid.

So, that was the moment, for the first time when I realized a better movie can be made out a book. And I adhered to the dictum 'never to judge a book by it's movie' since then.

P.S. I have neither seen or read the most famous book adaptation of our times- 'The God Father'. The reason is I get put off by universal praise, though I would like to see/ read it.

Ill effects of not blogging...

... for a long time is that you start thinking about everything that a post can be made about. And in that process, you end up accumulating so many threads that once you decide to actually start writing, the mind gets full of disparate threads like a hindi movies with eleven songs ( All hit ) without knowing how to structure them into a storyline.

So I have been thinking of doing a post on my dating experiences in delhi, a disastrous haircut I got last week, a few extra pounds that I gained while I gorged on sweets ( I love ghevar, It's seasonal so I have to eat it like a ritual), may be a post on my workout routine ( or lack of it), my unfinished painting classes, or probably something related to global economic slowdown. Ha, I'd never be able to write anything like that.

But I chose something easier which sparked my curiosity, and it will do good for ignorant souls like me as well.

As I have mentioned earlier how mainstream media is brandishing the gay cause, and with health minister's ministrations ( couldn't help the silly pun!), there seems to be light at the end of the tunnel. HT city listed another place for heavy partying in delhi for our tribe.



Does anyone know what place they are referring to for dirty dancing?

Am I too old for Crushes??

I am currently reading 'White Teeth' by Zadies Smith. Ms. Smith is much celebrated writer and this was her debut novel which found much favor among the literary circle. I had picked her second book ‘On Beauty’ around a year back and started reading it, leaving it midway – not because it was boring or something, it’s just that I think I was not in the right frame of mind.

The first thing that strikes you about her is her uncanny beauty, dark piercing eyes, high cheekbones, and that caramel complexion thanks to her interracial parentage. Another striking thing about her is that her first novel White Teeth came when she was only twenty five. In today’s age, where anyone who knows how to string a few words together, and becomes an aspiring writer , I feel it’s a really big feat to get yourself published and get all that laurels.

I haven’t finished White Teeth and thereby I can’t write a formal review of the book ( Futile excercise I think, the book was published eight years ago). So why am I writing about her?? It’s because the book White Teeth- which was described as an Interracial tour the force, and which I thought would have to be dealing with Carrabian and English culture or amalgamation of it- is chiefly based on two couples: Bangladeshi couple and Jamaican English couple. I am close to half way through the book, and I can safely say that the main protagonists are Bangladeshi couple, unlike what I had surmised in the beginning.

Mian Samad and Alsana are two very unlike people and they share very few things other than their country of origin and the fact that they are married to each other. Now, coming to why I am writing about the book is a confession that I want to make.

Midway through the book, I realized how peculiar it is that the book is mirroring my feelings at present time. In the book, Mian Samad at the age of fifty seven is gripped by an intense infatuation- a desire which goes wrong against his faith, his standing, his age and his marital status- towards the music teacher of his twin sons in school. He repeatedly gets sexually aroused by mere thought of the teacher who he has met only for a few minutes in a PTA meeting. He can’t let her thought go, he is hard all the time and masturbation not being halal ( I don’t know the veracity of this) is in a continual ethical dilemma to do it.

Now, I have a very hot colleague of mine who I have recently started interacting more than I should. Though, I don’t find him super-intelligent ( a must for keeping me hooked to an individual), his easy manners, affability and good looks keep me interested in him. And to top it, this guy has six packs ( Never seen those but from the looks of his formal clothes I can make out a lot more than just his packs) with a great body. (Only minus point is he is shorter than me by two inches). Normally, I don’t like any competition to be close to me but this time I don’t care that much if he has better physique than me. ( I am not in a bad shape myself! Wink, wink).

One thing that keeps me intrigued is how or why this guy is single. He is good looking, intelligent, articulate, earns well, and has gone to good colleges. Not to mention, he has great fashion sense, h takes care of himself well. Is he a new age metrosexual male or I am reading too much here?? For Chrissake, he is a hot blooded punju who don’t give a damn about having new flings every fortnight!!

So, I don’t think I many have to explain how my situation is similar to Mian Samad and what’s keeping me awake/ disturbed/ aroused/ intrigued this entire weekend. In fact, I think this whole thing was reinforced in some way when I read it in the book and started imagining myself to write a similar novel in future with great deal of masala thrown in. I can call it ‘White Sheets”. I know that’s cheesy. But, aren’t wet dreams are made of ‘white sheets’ and ‘White teeth’

P.S: I wanted to do a post about comparing language style of British vs American authors; in fact, comparing Jhumpa Lahiri and Zadie Smith. I am not even remotely an authority on the subject of linguistics, nevertheless I think it will be an interesting post.

Nocturnal Colorful Experiments

I am putting a few pics which I painted late last night, and considering I had ten others things to do- filing my tax returns, chief among them- I was happy to digress from the usual routine and let my baser instinct take over me. The results are not great. Blame it on camera or the paper I used ( I still haven't been able to locate the art supply shop in Def Col), but it surely looks better on paper. Since I have started dabbling in colors again, I will keep posting my experimentations..

On the subject of my inspiration, I like doing flower or landscape in watercolor. A landscape would have taken 2-3 hours with all those washes and detail that I chose flower over it. Anyway, painting flowers puts me in cheerful mood. I like the bright colors. So here I have. Carnation and Narcissus for all my readers ( and non- readers as well)

In which I give my thanksgiving speech

Nine comments on my last post!! I have finally arrived on the blogging scene। Where does this lead me? Am I going to fret over what my next post is all about- the way rambws suggest in his post, or I will write random stuff?

Thank you guys for reading whatever tripe I post here, and taking time to comment on it. ( Do book reviews get more comments?? I must do a few quickly to boost readership)

I think I am little charged now. I have give my Blog a 'Make better'. But, trust me, I am not gonna be flamboyant. Understated, classic elegance is more like my style. However, before all of this I have to figure out how to get these embellishments for my blog. I need a new "skin" template ( I think they still call it skin, no they call it template..I desperately need to know the way I can cross Skin )

I will put link to all my favorite blogs and will basically copy everything from flygye. I think I have made pretty much clear that I am not an original. I like smart work and don't believe too much in hard work, so I can lift off ideas from hear and there and make nice potpourri.

But before all that happens, I am gonna do something. As I have never mentioned anywhere in my blog that I am an art lover and aspiring painter ( among other things)..I will put a few pics of my work. No, Flygye.! You don't get any prizes for goading me to paint at 11:30 in night so that I can put those images in the morning. Though, you can be little lenient about my claims of being an above average painter and criticize my work mildly.

Do I have anything else to write। Yes, a few lines in hindi. hehe.
आज शाम को जब हम काम से वापस आ रहे थे, तब हमने बहुत अरसे के बाद एक जादुई शाम देखी। जादू शायद हमारी निगाहों में था, याफ़िर थकान हम पे हावी हो रही थी। पूरा आसमान बैंगनी, गुलाबी, नारंगी और कत्थई रंगों से लबरेज धीरे धीरे रात की काली चादर ओढ़ रहा था। हम सब कभी कभी जिंदगी की भाग दौड़ में इस कदर मसरूफ हो जाते हैं की अपने इर्द गिर्द हो रही चीज़ों की तरफ़ हल्का सा भी ध्यान नही जाता, वो सब एक ढर्रे पे चलती हुईं तस्वीरें बन जाती हैं, जिनका कोई ख़ुद का वजूद नही होता। वोह सिर्फ़ बंधी होती हैं एक कड़ी से, जिसका एक सिरा बीते कल में और अगला सिरा आने वाले कल में होता है। एक ऐसी कड़ी जो हमें बांधे तो हैं, पर वोह किस से बंधी है , इसका अंदाजा नही है। ना हमें, ना उस वक्त को! आज की इस शाम ने हमें फ़िर से याद दिलाया की जिंदगी में खूबसूरती बिखरी हुई है, ज़रूरत है तो सिर्फ़ इसे अपने जीवन मेंभरने की! शायद ये कोशिश जारी रहेगी! इंशा अल्लाह !!

Enchantress of Florence

I just finished reading "enchantress of Florence" by Sulman Rushdie. It was my first Rushdie book. Though I had started reading "Moor's Last Sigh" a decade ago, I couldn't go beyond first few chapters. The language was too complex for me, and I had a terrible ( still do) habit of knowing the full meaning of every word before moving on. Ostensibly, at that time, I used to do this with every written thing that came my way especially the film glossies that were my staple read those days. It did help me while I was preparing my the MBA entrance exams and needless to add vocab was my favorite section. Now, I don't think there is anything left to say about the style magical realism, baroque style of Rushdie. However, I needed just three evenings (2-3 hrs daily) to finish this book.
The plot was revetting with so many literary devices thrown in that after a while I stopped paying heed to it and started enjoying the book. There was too much history thrown in, History of medival Italy, Mughal India and Turkey Ottoman empire. A few referances to sexual practices in those times did make it more engaging reading experience. And come to think of it, Rushdie writes that two third of florence was gay. Umm, Oliver Martinez!! where are you ??I am coming to you. ( Though, a quick google check tells me is he is of french spanish descent...oh never mind, I don't mind them either)

if any one of you ever reads movie reviews by Taran Adarsh, he has a line that he uses in every reivew. Classes vs Masses. Before I fall in the trap of reviewing this book, let me just say I found it an interesting read, somewhat pacy unlike other books I often pick up and it certainly have class for masses.

This post doesn't make much sense!

I was writing a message to an old friend turned foe, turned friend, turned 'somewhere in between friend and foe' guy and I wrote a line which made me realize how ignorant we sometimes become to our own emotions.

I can never hurt a person deliberately except me.

This line may sound as if I think too highly of myself, or I am some psuedo saint who wants to wallow in his own glory but this is so true of I have been living my life. Actually, there is another way this line can be interpreated and which when I analysed, to my horror, was so true as well. ( I mostly leave myself while psychoanalyzing the whole world for their motivation, action, inspiration)

We all have our dark sides, negative sides where we feel good about something bad, something nasty happening to someone we don't like. How happy we become when we learn that the colleague we were not so fond of was not promoted as well, the girl who was topper in our graduation batch has not done so well. I think German's have a word for this feeling which has slipped my mind. I will add it

For want of suitable targets to project my envy/ frustration/ disappointment what I do is turn it on myself. Therefore, I hurt myself knowingly because either I am incapable of hurting anyone or I have nobody to hurt that I care for. Yes, I don't believe in hurting people just because the crossed my way, said something nasty about me, made fun of me or simply if they hate me.

Am I a masochistic moron??

In as much I want this to be false, it turns out to be true.
I have a big ego. I get hurt easily. I am too sensitive for the prevailing negativity around me. Then why can't give it back to the people???
Initially, I thought this was because I was too soft, too mellow and good hearted. In other words, GAY.
But, hey, most of gay guys I have come across are more than capable of hurting you like you have never been before. Why do I have to this self ingratiating person trying to be loved and like by all. I don't know if these two things are related I do see a connection.

I blame myself. ALWAYS.
Not others. Always trying to rationalize their behavior with something that I might have done to piss them off. I know there are not many. But this process, I tend to think enables me to identify my weaknesses and improve me as a person.

Improvement, but for whom and what??
why do i have to be get depressed every time somebody acts like an ass and I end up blaming myself.

Shocking but true

This is not new news, but it's shocking to say the least. We think that things will be different outside India but they are not. The more things change, the more they remain same..So no matter how many 'Will & Grace', 'Gossip Girl' and " Ugly Betty' we have, it's still a touchy subject..Read on

http://www.newsweek.com/id/147790

Queer Eye for Straight Guy

Queer eye for straight guy debuted last night on Discovery Travel & Living, and being none too wiser I had to watch it to ascertain the queer quotient for myself. I won't bore you with the details which can be aptly described as how five 'fab' gay men give a straight man a 'make better' ( not a typical makeover, you see) encompassing his appearance, wardrobe, kitchen, , household and social skills.

I was expecting it to be a lot more fab, a lot more sensational and a lot more colorful. I think, the creator and presenters would have been a little off key in the first few episodes to gauge audience reaction to the new concept. While doing my pre-research for the show I found out that the also drew some flak for stereotyping gay men...I found all of them to be quite different, not like where they all are pinky pansies or muscled butch; thereby presenting a spectrum of 'rainbow' colors.
As I am opposed to any kind of categorization, I do feel that you don't have to be gay to have a fashion sense or have a clean, organized room. But, I do have to admit, albeit reluctantly, that more often than not gay men are better equipped to take care of things that most straight men mundane/ boring/ superficial ( all silly excuses) either because of their conditioning or their being plain lazy.

Have I ever been asked if I am gay because of my 'skills' in fashion, cooking, interior decoration, personal hygiene apart from being sensitive ( last one is really limit)...Having super intelligent friends does have its downsides, and them knowing my orientation without me having to spill everything is one of those downsides. :)


Update: Caught the second episode too. But it's a little too dull for my taste. They pick up the dirtiest, most un-groomed person and create a make better. Anyone can do that. ( read: gay) Why hire five people when I alone can do as much a good job :)

Instant Filter: Coffee - Contradiction Galore

There is this guy whom I personally don't know, but know about him through his appearances in the infamous delhi chat room 22. I know a few things about this guy like where he is from and what he does etc, from a few social networking sites he has created his 'real' profile on. There used to be a time orkut was not that inflesxible for snooping guys like me. Most of the people who visit this room will identify him ( No, I am not mentioning about the guy who gives his travel route every evening so that somebody can 'pick' him up). This guy is a doctor and perhaps pursuing his post grad course ( These medicos! they keep studying all their lives). Now, what initially caught my fancy in this guy was his hoarse cries in the chat room asking for any one 'educated'. Confident of being an educated sophisticated guy, I pinged him. To my surprise, He asked me," Are you a doctor?" I replied, "No. I am not". End of conversation. Not that it was a bad day for him or me. This scene has repeated quite a few time. He often comes online and asks " Any doctor/ engineer in this room?"

Did I feel insulated/ offended by his repsone. No, I was not. I was amused. I was amused at the thought process of some people. Now, I am fully aware that how our matrimonial pages are filled with adverts for 'Medico bride wanted', but isn't this a same kind of parochial thinking reflected here. There will be people who may think that being from the same profession will let the'couple' understand each others issues/ concerns/ life style in addition to regular dining table conversation some of which may go like "That hysterectomy case became serious after Hypokalemia causing rhabdomyolysis. I had to rule out Bartters syndrome and Gitelmans syndrome with rhabdomyolysis due to severe hypokalemia." I don't know many who will jump with delight on hearing such interesting chain of thought to go along with their morning Tea.

This case must be an extreme. And to those people who disbelieve me, I suggest spend some time in the chat room to witness this doctor's call. However, there is a deeper point here. As human beings we all have tendencies to make snap judgments, which some researchers have found are more often than not correct ( Read 'Tipping Point' for the detailed view on this theory). But if I remember clearly, as with every other fad theory the writer in this book has also advised caution to excercise this a little too frequently without discretion. We all try and make judgments, filter people and categorize them to put them in different boxes for convenience of our brain. If somebody is sikh, he has to be loud, loose with his verbal volleys, has a thing for butter chicken and daru and will dance to his guts everytime a bhangara song is played out. Not that I am above such categorization, I think we choose the easy way because we are too lazy to make an effort know someone. We are too eager to fill in the blanks after we know someone superficially, some times without even knowing them. Just by having a look at them ( I do it most when I see a very goodlooking guy/ gal dismissing them to be dumb. But in my heart, I so wanna be proved wrong about this. And I have been proved wrong in a few cases involving member of opposite sex, though)

How easy it is to filter. How easy it is so call someone 'not my type' because he/ she doesn't listen to songs I like, doesn't like the movies I like, nor do they look and speak the new lingua franca of India 'english' like me. I know I am stretching the stereotype a little too far here. But don't we get judged and judge others in return. I have been asked this a number of time whether I am a product of much famous 'elite' school of my home town. People presume that I think in a certain way, so I should be in this profession. I mean if I can tell apart a ritu kumar and JJ vallaya just by looking at the ensemble, it doesn't make me a fashion guy ( A gay guy perhaps ;) )

I have never travelled to west. But what I have gathered from pop culture, it tells me that most of the people give two hoots about a lot factors given consideration here in India. Factors such as where you live ( any think less than south delhi is blasphemy ), how fluent you are in english ( most of the guy here will not blink an eye before they agree to sleep with Christiano Ronaldo), what care you drive and how much money you make ( the previous question is used to make an estimate of your net worth because asking salary package is not considered polite - unless you meeting prospective in laws). Miranda from Sex and the City is an example- may be fictionalized, but what about Matt Damon and George Clooney? Well, not that everybody has to agree with me, but for dating one only needs an 'interesting' person. Interesting may be a very broad term but it's still better than making someone a series of stats. Looks are important and cannot be denied in real world, but there is always more to a person than his/her looks ( I hate to be stereotyped as gay blogger coz being gay is just one of the things that make me a person. And I find there are far more interesting thing in me than my sexual orientation)

I am an avid follower of Grey' Anatomy. In the first few episodes of third season, when doctor Burke is shot in hand and he is unable to gain full control of his hand after his surgery, we get to see a moral dilemma in Christina. Who does she love? Preston Burke the guy who love her or Doctor Burke who is the best heart surgeon in the entire west coast? The question is essentially what defines the person you love, and whether you love what defines him/ her or the person in question. Love is always selfless. You can't love or pretend to love an attribute of a person. What if that attribute is gone? ( I have not taken any kind of physical deformity to illustrate my point deliebrately) Will I stop loving my mom because she was not what she used to be -beautiful and able to care for me? I did not and I will not.

What am I trying to suggest here?? That you go out with all sort of people without any discrimination. No, That will be absurd. It's just that we need to be a little more open minded and flexible, and most importantly a bit patient. Patient to know the person before of us. Because sometime we ourselves start believing in the facades we create and lies we tell ourselves.

Is it Friendship or Fiend-ship??

I am often asked this question. It embarrasses me to no end and yet each time the answer remains same. It's not as if I have deliberately done something to maintain the status quo. May be I have been plain lazy. And if somebody is wondering what that question is. Let me come straight ( ??) to the point.

Have I made any friend ( read: Gay) in Delhi?

This question looks awfully simple but no matter how many times I answer this- whether to myself or some random guy I picked on chat rooms- the answer doesn't change. Yes, I have no friends in delhi. Leave aside question of his/her being straight or gay.

I have often tried to figure out the reason why I am alone in such a fun loving boisterous city. Am I that anti- social, boring, boorish, stupid or simply put what is wrong with me ? It's not that I have not come across people. I have my profile on a few networking sites where I do get responses; and last year I was a chat-oholic. I have met a few of them in real as well. Good people. Educated, articulate and some of them pretty hot too. But why those seemingly nice, intelligent guys have never bothered to remain friends with me. In fact, I have asked this question to a few people I have met that how many gay friends they have been able to make. And most of them surprised me by telling me that they do have a few very nice friends, some even have gay best friends. How I wish if I had even a single friend.

Let me first tell you why I want a friend. I live alone in this city. I hardly get to interact much at my workplace because of nature of work. Therefore, weekends are my worst nightmares. I have nothing else to do on weekend except reading. I love going out, intelligent conversation, exploring the city its monuments, eating at new places, shopping and works. But most of you realize that these activities are half as fun if done alone- or at least I find it boring after a time. I would love to have a friend for all these, not to mention my trips to gay pubs and discussing who looks hotter on the street.

I have found an answer to this question as well. Now, I am not one of those guys who blame others for everything and anything that happens to them. I feel most of the things in our life are in our locus of control- barring a few, of course. This discovery has not been without it's share of pathos. I have concluded that I do not have gay friends because I am an average looking guy. Ok, let me add something there. I am an average looking person with not so average intellect. Now, I know how facile this sounds, but trust me I have given due consideration. How else will you explain that people who are ready to sleep with me, who can have long conversation with me on phone for the entire day before meeting me, suddenly realize that they are far too busy with their life. In the first case, in all modesty let me say that- some very hot men have found me to be 'hot' and I don't blame them for objectifying me. hehe. In some case, we have done it and I have expressed my desire to be in touch with them, doing the things that I mentioned in the beginning. However,even the best of these guys perhaps follow the one meeting policy.

There is another category, where people go gaga over me. Only on phone that is. When we talk. they will coo sweet nothings and everything will be 'suggested' to be on offer. Hardly, there has been a case when the deal was cut.

Contrary to what my luck has been, I have found that every good looking guy- no matter how dubs he is- will have at least a few friends, that too equally hot, if not more. I fully know that how this gay world functions on whole concept of beauty and looks but what really perturbs is the shallow hypocrisy these people put up. Why do they have to embellish an 'Indecent Proposal' in the garb of friendship. Why can't we behave a little mature and start differentiating between friendship, love, sex and sex of casual nature.

Disclaimer: Whatever I have written here has also been given another name : Delhi Gay Dating. There are high chances that if you are not from Delhi, you would not have experienced this. Equally possible it is that you are a Delhite and goodlooking. So, I know that you are not part of the tribe.

Sex and the City Post

I went to watch Sex and the City movie on this Sunday evening. It was the only running show of the movie at 10 PM and I had nothing to do for the day, quite like all the other weekends. So, I decided to watch the movie alone. Before that I dropped on to a friend's place, who leads a completely insular life as he prepares for his civil services exams, and would be the last guy to know about sex and the city. I told him casually that I am going to watch this movie in an hour and did not even ask him to join me. Now, He dropped this information to some of the guys who live in his house as tenants when he went there to fix some problem.

Being a closeted a guy, I don't like people second guess me. It's not about whether or not they will be able to surmise about my sexuality, but more for my self satisfaction that I am this super intelligent dude who covers all his trails, leaving nothing behind for any one to think differently than what I want them to think ( I know it's weird )

The reason I do this is that I have in company of some super observant people-who I could sense had their reasons to doubt my sexuality. I remember- this very good friend of mine asking me in the middle of conversation, while we were surrounded by some six to seven other close friends if I was sure I was not gay. Much to his surprise, I knew he was up to some trick and I deftly passed that off as nonchalantly as I could. Why I mentioned all this is because I happened to bump into his tenant a few minutes later when he came again for something and we started talking. He gave me meaningful stares when he got to know that I was going for that movie alone. The movie being SATC.

I couldn't have cared less about what he felt. It was just a matter of always having the upper hand. Anyway, I decided to tell him I don't have any girlfriend and neither am I looking for one.

Let's talk about the movie. I have been a great fan of series and will tell you about its effect on my psyche while I was growing up in some other posts. Most of the comments I read later about the movie said the movie couldn't keep the promise of the series etc etc. But for me, I was too happy to see the foursome together on screen. I could empathize with some of the situations. I am a big fan of Samantha and Kim Katrall. I guess most gay men look up to her as an icon. She is unapologetic about anything she does. And subconsciously perhaps we all want to achieve that stage where we are completely in sync with out actions and thoughts. All in all, I had a great time watching the movie and it rekindled my spirits for all things glamorous and sassy. No wonder, I bought two shoes today!

I NV U ALL

I have just come from gym, still drenched in sweat, AC running on full blast in this humid Delhi weather, TV running in front me, and I am trying to blog something very imporatant. Not that important perhaps. I know, I will have second thought if I put this for some other time, In fact, I am strating to have thoughts while I am typing this.

A rant against every one and no one.

I hate cribing , I hate rants, and I will hate myself for writing this all. Because, I like to believe I am this super strong, emotionally insulated guy who can put up with everything. And lest that facade once again takes over my senses, my life, I am gonna spill it all out.

As I mentioned this post is going to be about rants, I am going to to use the word envy.

I envy: people who have both parents alive and caring for them.
I hate: when these people don't realize what they have got and all the time rant against how their parents don't understand them.

I envy: when I call someone and find their phone line busy
I hate: when no one calls me. I don't get personal calls often ( there aren't many 'official' calls either but that's a different issue) most often when I have left my cellphone for hours somewhere, i reach for it in anticipation only to find in return that there has not been a single call

I envy: people who are carefree. who don't give a damn about any one. who are ready to leave jobs/ career/ family without much thought.
I hate: when I keep deliberating and deliberating..and most often miss the window of opportunity

I envy: people who can use foul language
I hate: when i get uncomfortable when somebody uses foul languages and I somehow show my displeasure despite my full efforts at trying to disguise my expression

I envy: people who can remain slim with all that garbage that they keep eating
I hate: when I can't fit into my old clothes

I envy: all good looking people who are so fortunate to have born that way. how does the 'karma' theory fit in here?? Was I a sinner in past life or I am getting uglier because of bad karma?
I hate: people who have insane amount of money to spend on their looks

Pink is the new navy blue of Delhi

I think there is a strong upsurge of sorts when it comes to all things that are queer in this town. A newly looking HT city was recently launched with not just extra pages, more city beats, but services of a few 'gay' writers are also employed to generate enough pink interests in the city tabloid. A few queer blogs- to say so have sprung up too. Having said that, frankly speaking, I find this as a healthy trend where marginalised issues are being covered in prominent dailies. I don't know what reaction the self professed morality brigade will have on this, but I am sure very soon when they have run out of inane issues , they will launch an attack on the daily on charges of corrupting impressionable youth.

Notwithstanding this fact, I had decided at the beginning of this blog that it is not going to be a gay centric blog. Being gay is just part of my personality, and I am more than confident that there are many interesting things about me than who I sleep with. I have been a great fan of ' sex and the city' kind of columns, and HT media does a docile take on the same titled ' single in the city'; however I find it much more interesting to reach out to anyone( whoever reads it, I know there are not many) with my ideas, opinions and quirks. So, I have blogged about books, movies, favorite TV shows, friends, family and being gay among others.

On second thoughts, I do think that I should write much more on my love/sex life ( which is very dull at the moment, so all hot guys mail me if you are reading this). So in random order, I will write a few things that talks about such stuff

1. I have been to only four dates in my life. I can make it five but the last one was not actually a date, but rather a cute guy who happened to be friend of a friend's friend and whom I literally stalked, on gay networking sites, of course.
2. Now, let this not mislead into thinking that I have been pure as Victorian damsel. As any gay guy worth his pink t-shirts will tell you, we can't do without enough sex. And there is never enough sex for us. Though, I was never as 'active' as most of the people in the fraternity are, I have had my share of fun. Though, I must mention that I still not have hopped to three figure for number of men I have had fun with.
3. I would never have paid sex, except for, of course, when I was doing research on my forthcoming book, which was inspired by 'Laaga Chunari Mein Daag', needless to add the idea of the book was dropped when the film sank.
4. I can be very pliable around people except when they take me for granted and presume that I would not be able to differentiate genuine affinity from affected opportunism.
5. I am little too touchy about being a 'thinking' gay who unlike his straight counterparts retains his aesthetic sensibilities, in simpler terms- does not deny his sexuality a chance to express itself in his tastes
6. Lastly, as the Loreal ad says, I am very demanding when it comes to MEN. It works the opposite way for me. The longer I have been away from something, My craving gets bigger and I will only want the best, and nothing 'short' than that.