This post doesn't make much sense!

I was writing a message to an old friend turned foe, turned friend, turned 'somewhere in between friend and foe' guy and I wrote a line which made me realize how ignorant we sometimes become to our own emotions.

I can never hurt a person deliberately except me.

This line may sound as if I think too highly of myself, or I am some psuedo saint who wants to wallow in his own glory but this is so true of I have been living my life. Actually, there is another way this line can be interpreated and which when I analysed, to my horror, was so true as well. ( I mostly leave myself while psychoanalyzing the whole world for their motivation, action, inspiration)

We all have our dark sides, negative sides where we feel good about something bad, something nasty happening to someone we don't like. How happy we become when we learn that the colleague we were not so fond of was not promoted as well, the girl who was topper in our graduation batch has not done so well. I think German's have a word for this feeling which has slipped my mind. I will add it

For want of suitable targets to project my envy/ frustration/ disappointment what I do is turn it on myself. Therefore, I hurt myself knowingly because either I am incapable of hurting anyone or I have nobody to hurt that I care for. Yes, I don't believe in hurting people just because the crossed my way, said something nasty about me, made fun of me or simply if they hate me.

Am I a masochistic moron??

In as much I want this to be false, it turns out to be true.
I have a big ego. I get hurt easily. I am too sensitive for the prevailing negativity around me. Then why can't give it back to the people???
Initially, I thought this was because I was too soft, too mellow and good hearted. In other words, GAY.
But, hey, most of gay guys I have come across are more than capable of hurting you like you have never been before. Why do I have to this self ingratiating person trying to be loved and like by all. I don't know if these two things are related I do see a connection.

I blame myself. ALWAYS.
Not others. Always trying to rationalize their behavior with something that I might have done to piss them off. I know there are not many. But this process, I tend to think enables me to identify my weaknesses and improve me as a person.

Improvement, but for whom and what??
why do i have to be get depressed every time somebody acts like an ass and I end up blaming myself.