Save Me

There are bad days, and then there are some not so bad days. 

But bad days persisit. 

Or rather I hold them close so they don't slip and fade away.

Memories are very deceitful, 

we forget what we have not forgotten.

And it all comes back, gushing, swamping with a force to

trample you, when all you want is it to seize you.

You want it to go bad. You try.

Try very hard to make things worse if it's not bad.

This self abuse, masochism has been entrenched hard.

keep rubbing the wound so it doesn't heal,

keep breaking off the ties so it doesn't hurt.

I keep my eyes closed so that no one can see my pain.

It's futile.

haha, isn't that stupid?

Stupid and Futile!

I do stupid things to cleanse myself of senstivity.

To ignore what other's ignore so peacefully.

To conform what people expect me to conform to.

Will I ever stand up for what I am?

But I don't know what I want to stand up for,

or who I am?

p.s The title of the post is taken from 'Save Me' by Jem from Grey's Anatomy's soundtrack. It's not a SOS