Random Ramblings

I have been planning to blog, for weeks, about the stuff I wanted the world to know about. To my chagrin, my most fertile ideas and imaginations start kicking only when I am about to fall asleep. Then, I make a note to myself that this is what is going to be written in the next post and start dreaming. I have made so many mental notes to myself, on much varied issues, from writing a book review of Pankaj Mishra's "Temptations of the west" to-why liking certain Kate Walsh does not make me straight.

Now, when we are on the topic, as asked by Chrisann, let me give you a quick explanation for my proclivity towards strong, intelligent, passive aggressive, fallen women. I used to, slightly even now, believe that sex and love are two different things, and you might have great sex with a person without loving him/her and vice versa. So, does that make it possible that I love a woman while I still want to have sex with a man. Now, this does sound like confused, but I have never been so sure about it. There have been time, when I prayed to God, to make me start liking the opposite sex. It has never worked, and believe me, I have tried hard to bring sexy, curvaceous women like Koena Mitra ( she is damn hot), Celina Jaitly, Bipasha Basu in my fantasies. But as they say, males are more overpowering, John Abraham, Rajneesh Duggal, Zulfi Sayyed, Fardeen Khan, Upen Patel stole a march over these women. I have become fully aware of and accepted myself, along with the realization that life can never be straitjacketed in compartments. My utter dismay with the appalling lack of intelligence among gay men has given way to the theory that there is a strong possibility that gay men pretend to be dumb to attract other goodlooking, dumb notwithstanding, gay men. Anyways, I can be anything to get my man but feigning ignorance or dumbing down myself is completely out of question.

Ok, enough about this, as I feel guilty that I am becoming a self obsessed faggot only blogging about my frustrations. Well, there is more to me. So why not chronicle something from last few days. I have bought DVDs of Sex and the City, from the palika bazaar, and on most days I watch three to four episodes. It has rekindled my old desire for having set of friends who I can talk to, without having to mentally calculate things and without being judged. Good friends are hard to come by, and in today's age when the whole thrust is on being young ( read juvenile), people hardly become mature in their outlook. And a few who become mature-only mentally, like me, sit alone and indulge in retail therapy or baking to kill their boredom.

My best friend from school called after some two months. We live in the same city, and it has been close to nine months since I have been in the same city, but we have seen each other just once. Now 'S' , my friend, is a fashion designer and works for perhaps the biggest ethnic wear brand in India. While we were growing up in small town north India, where having satellite TV (our only window to outside world) was an achievement, we both confided and shared each other passions. He was interested in many things like I was. We did so many things together, aside from doing the same guy, that he was like my alter ego. I was his mentor and I enjoyed the upper hand I always had in my friendship with him. Now at the risk of sounding immodest, I believed and still believe, which he rightfully acknowledges, that I was better than him at all the things that we did, most obviously studies. When he expressed that he wanted to become a fashion designer, still unheard of in the part of country we hail from, I felt a twinge of jealousy, as he was going to follow his dream, which I had to nurse stealthily and did not dare to follow. It was not something that somebody had forced me to choose, rather I opted for a safer options for lack of better information. Today, when I look at him, I don't envy him at all. Even today, I am sure, inspite of him getting professional training in fashion, I am better attuned to fashion. So after, this bit of self ego-massage, let me come to the point.

'S' has been in delhi for close to three years and has made quite a formidable reputation in the gay portals of city. In fact, while chatting, a veteran of delhi circuit asked me to meet this wonderful guy, who can speak sensibly, besides his other obvious talents. I was bemused, is this the same friend who I had guided and cajoled to join fashion, and who always looked upto me. I felt proud but it had some downside too. When I joined him on his orkut profile, it turned out, it was full of who's who of gay circuit in delhi, and there were great chances that people will start frequenting my profile for some snooping too. I had to delete him from my friend list because he had too many gay friends on orkut. Can life be more ironic? So he called me and asked why I had deleted him from my friend's list. Though the right reason was, I was miffed at him for not returning my calls, I gave him the aforementioned reason, which he told me had had already guessed, from my paranoia which he is quite aware of. There it goes, turns out, my old friend can indeed think, and he still cares for my friensdhip.