Wrong Number, Madam!

Ok. Here comes the ceremonious year end post. On second thoughts, I am not good at lists of any kind. So why do things that I am not good at.

Besides, the year is three days away from close/end. (I don’t know the right word and I am too indifferent to check) and there are still possibilities that it could turn out eventful. Now, by eventful I would mean a year where I was not living like a nun in the second half. Speaking of nuns makes me remind the famous line in the movie ‘Milk’ which I caught last night. A little digression here, I recommend watching ‘Milk’ by every fag or non fag. For those of us, who still live in a false dreams of utopia in US / Western Countries this movie is a stark reminder. So what if the events depicted in movie took place some thirty years ago. Until we have people like Sarah Palin and her closeted republican cronies along with the sitting pope,  on grounds things are not very different for us;  and we certainly don’t need to be reminded constantly what’s ‘god’s way’. Anyway, the point is Sean Penn is excellent playing ‘Harvey Milk’ in this biopic and is strong contender for academy awards this year. He plays the role with unassuming ease and affability and I was disheartened to see, despite my thinking that we are all unique and blah, there were some very apparent resemblance to the body language and expressions of gay people in the movie that I saw in some of the people I met here in India.

Enough of the rant, I have almost forgotten what I wanted to post here.

Actually, I have not. Because it is something that gives me a ‘feel good’ feeling (speaking in my silly punjabi ‘Surinder Sahni’ish goofy smugness). So, without much ado, at the risk of sounding a braggart, let me share with you that I feel there have been three ‘girls’ who have given me some signal that they are interested in me. And all this at my workplace. Like most of gay guys, I am at ease interacting with female species ( it takes tons of efforts on my part not to give them some fashion advice) talking nineteen to dozen. I often play dumb in situations when discussion around relationships and such stuff takes place around me, even though I pretty much know what is the subtext and undercurrent of conversations, shifting glances, twitching of lips. Playing dumb is my favorite technique, it puts people offguard and at ease, without having to calculate their actions and I love it when I see it all unfolding in front of me.

Out of three ‘girls’ ( why does it have to be girls? ), there is one who is  particularly interesting. She is smart, intelligent, witty and funny. She and I both know that we both know we feel ‘drawn’ ( me asexually, of course J ) towards each other. For me, I always love intelligent company and any wittiness is always an added bonus. She is both.

Looks wise, I hardly care. However, to be fair on whoever reads this, she is not that ugly (read: petite), has style (can do with bit more make up) and looks clean ( That reminds me she doesn’t wear perfume, She Should. Not that she smells, just that it adds to the personality of a person). I would have dated her/ asked her out if only… 

However, I haven’t added that I do borderline flirting. I have always done that with my female friends and they always played along. Why I do it is a mystery to me since I have not been able to ‘flirt’ with a single ‘male’ friend of mine. 

Now, let me ask you this. What do you guys do when you get such ‘vibes’? Do you play or back out? 

Alpha version of myself

I watch TV soaps for inspiration. That perhaps sounds pathetic. Perhaps, when you get totally bore, or totally insane, you start looking for meaning in everything inane ( was there some alliteration?)

I find legal dramas very engaging. And once you have some bit of comedy thrown in, and turned it into  a 'Dramady', it becomes my favorite genre. It does not have the usual chest beating sermonizing, instead there are moments when you discover there are small moments, moments that you and I live every second, turned into something dramatic yet subtle which lie buried under mundaneness of life.

In one of these fits of self discovery, I finally saw something that reinforced my belief that "We are different versions of ourselves at different times". Does that sound arcane? Let  me elaborate.

I am a kind person. I like helping people, something that I do without any expectation. But there are moments when I don't feel like helping ( very few, trust me). How do I stop feeling miserable and 'bitch' when I don't help someone, and I know if I help I will not get over the fact that I can't be myself.

Now, this new theory puts everything in perspective. I can be cranky at times without having to feel I am a bad person. and in case, you are wondering where I saw that line, It was 'Boston Legal". And if you wondering about why the post is titled so, any software released for the first time which would have 'bugs' and 'errors' is called alpha version. The problem free ( that's what they claim) comes later and is called 'Beta' Version

Why not 'sab chalta' hai

The recent horror that Mumbai and entire country saw unfolding on relentlessly insensitive media has left everyone shocked, dismayed, angry and what not. I knew media was going to abuse the ‘Mumbai Spirit’ term again without realizing there were people who had to move on with their lives. As I watched victims, who were holed up in Taj and Oberoi, I saw two different patterns emerging. People who were either too numb or ‘chalta hai’ types. One guy, hardly nineteen-twenty, who was there at one of the hotels at a wedding party as a videographer was back in business next day, all cheerful and smiling, since he had already had bookings in advance. Another guy, slightly older but still very young around twenty five, apparently from upper middle class was very emotional and furious in the TV interview. He complained that he was not able to sleep properly and he could not shake his mind of these attacks even for a minute. What set my mind thinking was whether people who fight everyday for their survival are better equipped to deal with this crisis, or they simply let their wounds fester in the cloak of life’s compulsion which everyone calls ‘spirit’. Whether these festering wounds become breeding ground for communal violence and hatred that we often get to see running amok on our streets or it’s just that people who generally think they are safe and secured, when come across such mishap get scarred more easily.