I have been away for a while. I didn't like it particularly much. In fact, I hated it.
I hate the fact that I am back in India in this sweltering heat. I hate the fact that I have lapsed into same mood swinging patterns. I hate the fact that I have gained whatever weight I had lost. I hate the fact that even after paying four hundred buck plus tip, the barber cut my hair too short which I had cultivated with so much effort, despite my clear cut instructions.
So you see, in simpler terms I am pissed off.
This is the time when I should have been spending my weekends in Paris. Or Nice. Or Rome, for that matter.
Khair, this might all be true when I travel to Europe next month.
So why was I away?
I was primarily away because of a sudden epiphany. I had realized that most of the people who blog ( closeted cases like me) are very miserable. They have no real friends, social circle or love interests to keep them busy elsewhere and so they turn here. They ( we) bitch. We sulk. We do everything in out power to be not happy. ( lot of assumptions and self projections there). I wanted to be different and break free from these types. Since, I am back here it means some ties are stronger than we think and we have to get back to them, even if we don't want to.
Regular readers of this blog might notice that introspection is an activity I indulge myself in quite often, which leads to a lot of psycho analytic babble and discovery. But this time, my findings were triggered my something different.
While I was away, in Europe, I got to meet a blogger. For real!I used to follow his blog as lot. Not just they are reflective but they are also full of juicy details about his seemingly rocking sex life. This person comes across as extremely intelligent, well read and slutty in his blog. He lives in a city where there is hardly any discrimination, rather it's considered to be one of the gay havens of the world. I was quite curious to see him going by his blog he seemed like Mr Perfect.
And I met him indeed. I don't like to get personal and give out details, but suffice is to say he was nothing like what he comes across in his blog. He was nervous, inarticulate and quite miserable. ( I am mean, I know) My point here is not to denigrate him but to bring out the fact that a lot of times we are not what we write on these pages. I am far from perfect, or even nice. I know my shortcomings more than anyone else can see, and I hate that. When I looked at him, with all his developed world gay insouciance, the freedom he has to live his life the way he want to, the works, I didn't envy him. My mind went back to his posts about his rambling in the park. Who goes to a park in that city?? There are multiple clubs, sauna, and internet sites than one can imagine. And you can pretty much do what you want to. Legally.
One has to be really old/ ugly or closeted to be in that park.
And he was not old or closeted.
What hope do people like me have in this country like India then?