Life is never easy.
Thats what I always say.
I say it to get rid of the guilt
of not being perfect.
Being perfect is an illusion,
something that we can never be.
But what if you always have felt that you can be perfect
at least in some ways than others.

When i look back at my life,
I realize I have been a failure.
I wanted to term it complete failure
but there have been fields
where I have done relatively better.
The biggest failure, according to me
is not being able to measure upto yourself.
I feel I have failed in my responsibilities on every passing day.

I had to choose
between a person I loved and my career.
I chose my love and then career and then love.
It was cyclical but at one time,
probably at the most critical occasion,
when I needed to be with her side
I was ambivalent, unsure and torn apart.
Life does not give you many choices.
Things become clear in hindsight but right at that moment
when your eternally optimistic brain
hates to give up on either of them.
One has to make a hard choice.
And that choice I did make.
But the pain lingers on,
making me feel guilty that how could I have even lingered on about it.
Why was I not so sure to about my choices?
Why did I become so selfish
that it didn't occur to me that career can be resurrected
but not lives once when they are gone?


They say history repeats itself.
In my case it did repeat.
Now having been faced with this choice earlier,
it had not made any easier to take a decision
and being self-less creature.

I laughed today..
So what, you might ask.
Well, yes. It's not a big deal to laugh.
However, when you don't remember the last time you laughed
it does become a momentous occasion.
there are several stories doing the rounds
as to how laughing improves your quality of life and relieves you of your stress.
And I concur.

In the last few days, I had forgotten to laugh.
To stop and take pleasure in small inanities of life
like cribbing your heart out on some trivial matter
or bitching about some person.
Now a person like me whose interest
in prurient matters has proved once again
that I have a raunchy sense of humor.
Today an unknown colleague who happen to sit beside me
was describing how an ayurvedic massage
in small loin cloth may disrobe him and his private parts
might be accessible to guys.
He also vividly described how the process
will take place with very effective gesticulations.
It was the thing that made me laugh like a lout
and now I am reminded of the last time I laughed like that.