Alpha version of myself

I watch TV soaps for inspiration. That perhaps sounds pathetic. Perhaps, when you get totally bore, or totally insane, you start looking for meaning in everything inane ( was there some alliteration?)

I find legal dramas very engaging. And once you have some bit of comedy thrown in, and turned it into  a 'Dramady', it becomes my favorite genre. It does not have the usual chest beating sermonizing, instead there are moments when you discover there are small moments, moments that you and I live every second, turned into something dramatic yet subtle which lie buried under mundaneness of life.

In one of these fits of self discovery, I finally saw something that reinforced my belief that "We are different versions of ourselves at different times". Does that sound arcane? Let  me elaborate.

I am a kind person. I like helping people, something that I do without any expectation. But there are moments when I don't feel like helping ( very few, trust me). How do I stop feeling miserable and 'bitch' when I don't help someone, and I know if I help I will not get over the fact that I can't be myself.

Now, this new theory puts everything in perspective. I can be cranky at times without having to feel I am a bad person. and in case, you are wondering where I saw that line, It was 'Boston Legal". And if you wondering about why the post is titled so, any software released for the first time which would have 'bugs' and 'errors' is called alpha version. The problem free ( that's what they claim) comes later and is called 'Beta' Version

Why not 'sab chalta' hai

The recent horror that Mumbai and entire country saw unfolding on relentlessly insensitive media has left everyone shocked, dismayed, angry and what not. I knew media was going to abuse the ‘Mumbai Spirit’ term again without realizing there were people who had to move on with their lives. As I watched victims, who were holed up in Taj and Oberoi, I saw two different patterns emerging. People who were either too numb or ‘chalta hai’ types. One guy, hardly nineteen-twenty, who was there at one of the hotels at a wedding party as a videographer was back in business next day, all cheerful and smiling, since he had already had bookings in advance. Another guy, slightly older but still very young around twenty five, apparently from upper middle class was very emotional and furious in the TV interview. He complained that he was not able to sleep properly and he could not shake his mind of these attacks even for a minute. What set my mind thinking was whether people who fight everyday for their survival are better equipped to deal with this crisis, or they simply let their wounds fester in the cloak of life’s compulsion which everyone calls ‘spirit’. Whether these festering wounds become breeding ground for communal violence and hatred that we often get to see running amok on our streets or it’s just that people who generally think they are safe and secured, when come across such mishap get scarred more easily. 

Does SAD make me sad?

I always wanted to write like the stuff I read which is mainly 'Literary Fiction'. In the last one month, I must have bought more than ten books and started reading them only to leave them after a few pages. Nothing caught my fancy, nothing held my imagination, nothing was reminiscent of anything I could relate to. It was not if the books I picked were not interesting. in fact, when I read some of them later, I was appalled by my own poor taste for leaving such gems as 'On Beauty' and 'Darkmans' which I discovered later. I sometimes wonder whether I too, like women, experience some kind of PMS. Being an internet junkie that I am, coupled with a little bit of arm chair psychology thrown in, I did some research and found out some symptoms. 

Now, Chrisan being the resident therapist here would definitely have something to say about my observations.Based on the frequency and the timing of my behavior, I found out that this has been classified as SAD. ( how appropriate that is! ) Seasonal Affective Disorder. 

For last two years, I have been living in an apartment on seventh floor of a building which gets very little sunlight and air. Add to that my schedule of working from home which required me to wake up at 9:30 and start work from 10. Work usually stretched till 6:30 -7 PM in the evening by  the time it'd get completely dark.Occasionally I would step out to buy some stuff ( primarily to eat) and this whole routine was same for five days of the week except for weekends which I spent trying different things hoping to break monotony. A bickering family, and friendless existence did not help much in either case.

This year, I changed my job. Got myself a regular desk job which required me to sit and work with actual human beings. I got overtly excited by the possibility of working with some bright, intelligent young men and women and making a few friends. It's close to six months now. I have made a few acquaintances ( yes, and I am not being sarcastic) and no real friends. May be I have become too morose, too walled to let people come closer to me. Or perhaps, because I am seen as little senior and boss' protege that forbids people. Anyway, I don't analyse that much as long as I am spending some time in sunlight away from my 'dark' house. However, all said and done, there has not been much change in my depression pattern. 

I have lost interest in doing everything and anything. May be I should migrate to sunny California and leave this SAD life. :)

In which we crib endlessly

Yesterday, Igot talking to a friend - technically not a friend but one of those people I am out to because of my existence on a gay social networking site- about our respective Sex love lives. Let’s call him Virtuous V. He has recently found someone for dating, which was quite evident from his radiant face and his efforts to lose weight, on the same website. I was more jealous than happy to hear that and I started to ask him about his affair and the ‘juicy’ details. In answer to which I got to know about his paramour’s 6’2” height and patiyala pedigree. He himself being a proud punju was beaming when he coyly discussed the stats, nevertheless I kept on nodding my head in strange detachment to this whole gay existential i-don’t-need-a-boyfriend epiphany that I had suddenly discovered.

I cribbed and whined about not getting responses, or rather ‘right’ response despite having a pretty ‘suggestive’ pic at the site. VV got amazed when I told him that I was getting lesser responses since that pic had been there for close to six months.

He gets amazed that I don’t have any ‘friends’ in the community as he has made five-six very good friends in spite of being super busy with two jobs. How did that happen, I ask him.  Ok, before that let’s go back how I got to know this guy.

VV messaged me on the same site around a year back telling me he was soon going to shift from Bombay to Delhi and was looking for possible boyfriend. Being the cynical guy I am, I gave him my standard reply that he was too goodlooking to be interested in me. He persisted and and I gave in by sending me my pics and phone number. Thankfully, he didn’t run away after seeing my pics . He would call me two to three times a day, interspersed with some inane SMS forwards which I found no time in deleting afterwards. He started talking about his area of work where I feigned some interest and asked him questioned after some bit of googling. Now, VV was highly educated, doing pretty OK in his career and most importantly sensitive enough to look over my average looks. ( He was sort of hottie, now I don’t find him that hot though)

So, what was the hitch.?

Most of the time, when I start interacting with anybody the question invariably turns to books. What books am I reading or have read etc etc? VV made a tactical mistake by telling me ‘Seven habits of highly successful people’ was the book he was reading then, and how life changing it had been for him. This particular book has its own importance in my life for being my first and last self help book I ever picked up ( didn’t have patience to finish that whole drivel). It was time for me to rethink. Here was a guy who waswilling to commit before we had even met once in person. Samantha Jones wouldn’t have approved of it and I concluded that he was too naïve, simple person.

 

Khair, to cut a long story short, much as I hate to judge people, I found him I was certainly not the person he was looking for. Later on, he came back to Delhi and I once pinged him once on the site to see how he was doing, and we kept in touch.

Yesterday, upon hearing my friendless, boyfriend less existence he asked me a few questions

Question 1 Do you follow up with the contacts you make ( read: hookups).

Answer1.Well, No!! I don’t follow up unless I am sure the person has brain and brawn. But I never call twice, and if the other person is not so enthusiastic, I don’t pester. 

Question 2: Do you make an effort to keep in touch with the people you like?

Answer 2: Sometimes yes. But, I have high self esteem. May be egoist. My best friend from school has not picked up my last three calls. People change, I know he has at least. I am not going to call him now. 

I am a taurean and very proud of being loyal in friendship or a relationship. I don’t do anything in half measure. I always think of others before me. My real friends who live everywhere except Delhi love me to the core. They make me feel what I think of myself without any inconsonance. 

Now, before I finish this rant I must add that though I am pretty cool guy, there are few things that perturb me. Chief among that is superciliousness. I like smart people and I know how to spot them. Secondly, I hate the favorite game played in Delhi Gay circle. Name dropping, precisely. I am not interested if you were invited to Rohit Bal’s Birthday party or how many times you had slept at Burman’s or Punj’s. I mean get a life guys.

Khair, enough of rant. I like abrupt endings.

My first tag

One of my most favorite bloggers Chrisann not only linked me to her blog, but also called me an 'old friend'. Beat that. That felt kinda nice. Wait, there is more. She also tagged me for a post. I have always wanted to be tagged. Inspite of being here, I was never tagged. Until now, that is.

So here it goes.

1. Last movie you saw in a theater?

The last movie I saw in theater was 'Rock On'. I went there because some colleagues insisted me to go. My inability to say no to such request came handy, and I didn't regret it at all.

2. What book are you reading?

Currently I am reading "Lunatic in my head' by Anjum Hasan. I wanted to read this since I read it's review here. I normally stay away from Indian fiction but this time I liked the concept of the novel with three very different protagonist, and its setting in a small town.

3. Favorite board game?

None, I am afraid.

4. Favorite magazine?

That's a tough one. My magazine seller never recommends any because he knows my eclectic taste. So I read Autocar India, Men's World, Outlook Business, Business World, India Today, Outlook, Economist, Home and Interiors, BBC Home, Femina, Marie Clare and The BIBLE- 'Cosomopolitan' ;)

Btw, my magazinewallh gives them all free to read because I am his regular patron for pirated books.

5. Favorite smells?

leathery, tobbaco notes.

6. Favorite sounds?

Wind Chimes

7. Worst feeling in the world?

That no one cares about you whether you live or die.

8. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up?

Do I really have to go to gym? Why can't I go tomorrow? Let's go in the evening.

9. Favorite fast food place?

Roadside Momos with lot's of chilly garlic chutney. My mouth is watering as I type this. I like it because it's healthy ( by not being oily), spicy and most importantly cheap.

10. Future child’s name?

hahaha, may be I will adopt one. Zarita: Meaning princess in spanish

11. Finish this statement. “If I had lot of money I’d….?

go on holiday..I have never gone on a holiday in the real sense.

12. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?

No. Never slept with stuffed toys. Though, I do need big cushions to support me

13. Storms - cool or scary?

Cool

14. Favorite drink?

Mojito..Though, I hardly drink I like mojito because of it's sweet and mint flavor

15. Finish this statement, “If I had the time I would….”?

I have all the time in world...I get terribly bored on weekends even to start thinking of five good reasons why I should not commit suicide.

16. Do you eat the stems on broccoli?

No.

17. If you could dye your hair any color, what would be your choice?

it would be Red. I have a thing for red heads. Kate Walsh, Julianne Moore, Cynthia Nixon

18. Name all the different cities/towns you’ve lived in?

that would be giving too much detail. More so because, they are so tiny town that it will hard to locate on a map.

19. Favorite sports to watch?

Gay and Sports?? You must be kidding. But, hey, I don't mind watching some hot wrestlers fighting it off, or those hot swimmers ;)

20. One nice thing about the person who sent this to you?

She is very sensitive and emphatic. At times, knowing exactly what you feel without you having ot clearly articulate it.

21. What’s under your bed?
Some old mattresses. Wish it was Ranbir Kapoor.

22. Would you like to be born as yourself again?

I am not too sure

23. Morning person, or night owl?

Night Owl

24. Over easy, or sunny side up?

Over.

25. Favorite place to relax?
My bed

26. Favorite pie?
Blueberry

27. Favorite ice cream flavor?
Lytchee